“I Dream Of Living How The Rest Of This Planet Does.”

Lately, I have felt an array of emotions that I’m {thankfully} not familiar with. I feel lost, empty, weighed down, heartbroken, jealous, angry, fearful and I just really hurt-physically mentally & emotionally. I’m not use to feeling like this. I’m not use to explaining it. I’m definitely not use to expressing or processing it. Its strange and quite alien to me. I don’t know why I suddenly feel like this, but I do know that I feel as if I need to put these emotions into words in hope that this disappears and it’s only a one off ‘feeling’! I feel lost because I can’t find a doctor who can give me a better quality of life. I feel it’s close, but I don’t know where to go next. I ‘keep on keeping on’ but I’m not getting very far, I’m running round in circles. My illnesses and it’s many added extras are weighing me down; but I want to and will stay afloat. Despite looking at life from a different perspective and many different angles my ‘life’ is on pause; but time is still passing. I feel like I’m running out of time to achieve my plans and dreams which are now beyond realistic; but Im eager to overcome the impossible.

My heart breaks knowing everyone’s moving forward in life.

I’m jealous of healthy people (and sometimes those chronically sick, but healthier than me.) Selfishly, I’m jealous of their lifestyle, their functioning bodies, and the freedom they have. I’m not at uni. I can’t go to a club or have an alcoholic drink. I can’t dress how I wish. I don’t wear makeup or pamper myself like I used to. The bed-bound fashion is loungewear and greasy hair! Self love and self care were and still are important to me; I find my ways of boosting body confidence, but I prefer to go all out or do nothing-I can’t find an in between…

Right now I’m not looking for a miracle cure. At this moment in time: I don’t want to roll over, sit up, eat, drink, party or even walk. I just want a better quality of life. I want to be able to sit in a reclining wheelchair and to simply see the sky and feel the sun or breeze on my face every single day. Instead of fearing that nature will kill me due to severe MCAD, I want to be with nature. I want to watch the clouds glide across the sky, the flowers bloom, and hear the bees buzz. I want to touch the snow when it falls and feel the shear force of the rain when the heavens open. I dream of watching the seasons change-taking note of when the wild green turns in to a golden hue. The world is alive and breathing, I am too. But it isn’t just ‘Alive’ it’s more than that, it’s living. I don’t just want to exist- I want to simply breathe, contentedly in that ‘outside-world’ while I live rather than survive, that’s all I want to do. We treat and view the world differently me and you.



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